Wednesday, October 19, 2005


My August 11 post was about "living the question." My head is stuffed with questions. My heart is overwhelmed. A good overwhelmed I guess but I've suddenly been thrown into my quiet, pondering state - a state that has been misunderstood by many people in the past. Thoughts are flowing about church, internships, design, ministry, friendships and learning to grow up. The Toys R Us theme song keeps popping into my head: "I don't want to grow up…" The truth is though, I do. I'm just nervous. There are trivial decisions that I need to make that as I attempt to make them, they aren't so trivial anymore. Slight clarification: I'm not struggling with the big "what's God's will" question. Just thinking and trying to make wise choices within my realm of available pursuits. A wise woman once disclosed an idea to me that God's will isn't some narrow path I have to discover and stick to amidst whatever hits. Instead His will is nearly impossible for me to escape from. I'm in it, for good. I don't have the full implications of those thoughts in hand yet; but I appreciate the relief of pressure that view brings. I'm free in His grace-filled will to seek Him in all that I do. Another wise woman has always encouraged me to decipher the good, better, and best sections of a decision and determine which I want to be in. So, here I am, seeking the best. Rereading those thoughts I feel a bit preachy. But they are true, and what I was thinking, so no soap box attached.

I'm ready for Thanksgiving. No good reason, but I'm ready for it. The leaves have begun their change of color. I picked up 2 yesterday on my way to a workshop and they are sitting on my desk slowly wilting and becoming a kaleidoscope of color as I hurried along the process by picking them. How strange it is that to die they must become a more brilliant color than before. There could be a metaphor for Christian life there, but I don't feel like analyzing it. The weather is being temperamental and I hope to some morning convince it as I walk to class to stay at about 50-60 for a longer period of time than a couple hours or while I'm asleep. I love my fall clothes and I'm ready to wear them again instead of just looking forward to it. It's silly the things I become attached to and excited about. A girl mentioned tonight that apparently we will have a rough winter because some scientists have seen the squirrels collecting a larger portion of nuts. I wonder if these squirrels really have inside information or maybe they are just feeling extra gluttonous this year. Who watches squirrels anyway?

I've entered the rambling state. These are the times that I feel a blog could be a dangerous thing, but it is lovely to think with my fingers for a while and allow my mind an outlet. Perhaps later I shall post about Art History. I've been thinking some delightful thoughts in that class and they might just be worthy of a post all to themselves. Just maybe.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

thought kinks

It's the middle of October. I'm sitting in my room, feeling the light breeze of fall through the open window, sipping a CF Mountain Dew and listening to the new Jamie Cullum cd. I have quite a lot of homework to do, but my mind is reflective. There have been some small kinks in life, but overall it has been good. This week was mid-terms. I go back and forth between being really ready to graduate and move on and just enjoying college life. I know this is the only time in life where all my friends, besides Nicole and Erin, will be within 10 minutes of me and I'll see them all pratically every day. I'm enjoying my design classes, but I don't feel that they are going very well. I'm feeling less and less like a good designer and this really bothers me as I really want to be a designer. But, I don't want to be a mediocre designer. I want to be good. Not for the money and not for any popularity. I love designing. I love type. I love playing with macs. I desire to be able to design pleasing, aesthetically delightful things that most people will enjoy looking at but never know why. I've heard many times that I don't have to settle in one profession, and that I probably won't; but what if I want to. I'm open to options, but this is where I click. This is what gets my pulse going. I want to design.